i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Randomize
