I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
