Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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