Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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