I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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