no, he came in my armpit
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
My ATM looks so different sober.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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