Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
