I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
dude. I can hear the air.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
