Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Randomize
