The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
