You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
