Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
