We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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