theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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