Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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