The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
