I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Can I color on your dick again?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Damn victory sex feels great
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
