I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize