there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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