just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Semen is not good for contacts.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
