he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
