we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
is wine microwaveable?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
