Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
