I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
false alarm, still single
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
