My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
