so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
