After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
