We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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