Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
