there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
