I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
