Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
