She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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