I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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