I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Let's paint friendship bongs
That accounts for only three of the penises
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
