and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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