Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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