god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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