Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
