I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
