just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
