i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
