drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
