I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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