thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
