we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
