i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
