i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Did I show you my penis last night?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
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