it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
