At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize