i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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