On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I think my moral compass just broke
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