ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
