accomplished twins. life is a go
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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