he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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