All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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