and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
