there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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