Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
