We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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