i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
